I hit the bottom of my sexuality.
I become extremely bored at night and crave people’s attention. It feels like I’m missing out a huge party everyone’s invited to.
I start to go out every night, and come to every party Celina invites me to. There are
nights I’d spend a week's meal tickets on some tiny plates and hard liquor in a restaurant we have to drive to get to, and mornings that I wake up at strangers’, smoking a joint someone passed me half-conscious. Most of the time I’m drunk, and it doesn't help to be drunk and horny at the same time. I’d end up thinking of Patricia, try to call her, and stop myself every time with more alcohol.
I have to have sex and physically be with someone to stay distracted. Jack is the person I go to. I’d call him 2 in the morning after a party and have him fuck me till 4 and pass out together. I leave early in the morning before he can ask me to stay. I also slept with Andrew from the marketing class. It’s funny how things I once wanted can’t give me pleasure anymore.
Getting back to social life has brought me close to Celina. We start to see each other more, sometimes 5 days a week. We’re either studying at Hay's or partying at her or her friend's house. I think maybe I can actually enjoy this - just like freshman year, being in the center of attention with Celina and her friends. Before Patricia came along.
It makes me feel I can belong. That I’m this normal girl, living a normal life, and all is good. They say if you want something bad enough, you’ll get it. You need to manifest, they say. But for me, it’s just deception. When you lie hard enough, you start to believe too.
I did. I'm back to the party girl I was once. The fun girl.
The girl that no one can take apart.
By the third week of my party life, I had to call my dad and ask for more money. It was awkward. I had to take time to talk about school and stuff, assure them everything is ok and there is nothing to worry about. My dad always asks if I need money at the end of our call - he wants to make sure I don't starve and am living comfortably.
“Actually, that’d be great.”
“Have you spent everything this month?”
“ Yeah. I also need to travel to New York more. For interviews you know, if I want a job.”
“I see.” “How is the job search going?”
I should’ve expected this question. I said some random companies' names to get past.
“You look tired. Don't push yourself too hard.” He says. “You know we want you home.”
I hang up and passed out on the floor in my dirty clothes. A half-bitten apple has started to rot in my fridge. And I haven’t thought of her long enough to have forgotten about it.